Love thy self. This is what I need to do. Months have past between my last entry and this one. My life journeyed on. Alcohol snuck it’s way back in…slowly and slowly snuck it’s way back in.
How is it that consuming alcohol is something I crave and choose as a part of my life, yet I know it will cause me emotional and physical pain at the same time? This is an aspect of addiction.
This summer I trained for a Sprint Triathlon. I trained hard. I got strong. I swam, biked and ran that race a little over a month ago, and I felt so good and happy. I felt good and happy, yes, these were sincere emotions I felt and emotions that my friends and family saw….however, there were other feelings that slowly creeped their way into my body as the summer went on and my training went on. Those feelings were thinking about alcohol. Wanting to drink alcohol. Craving the sensations that alcohol gave me. I was doing good and healthy things for my mental and physical self, yet I still wanted to drink alcohol knowing it is not good for me, knowing that drinking alcohol will give me immediate relief followed by more long-term physical and emotional heartaches.
I gave into those feelings the last month of my training, and I found myself training for this race hung over some mornings. Some of those mornings I was hung over I ran exceptionally well, or biked awesomely. Reassurance that I can have my drink and drink it too. …but I knew…. I knew that even though I could train while drinking, and feel like I could do no better even if I didn’t drink the night before… I knew I did not want that for myself, yet addiction took hold and once again began to loudly ignite my inner dialogue of torture and torment.
The race has been over for more than one month now, and I am finding myself drinking more and more. I am sliding down an emotional hole and loosing much of the strength and pride I felt after completing my race.
Why must I stop at the liquor store on my way home from my son’s little league baseball game? Why must I stop on my way home from work??? What do I need to do to be my best self?
My dear self….you are the only person who drinks in your own home. Why do you feel the need to drink by yourself surrounded by family who is not drinking???
This is what I need to figure out. I need to figure out how to love myself enough and care about myself enough to stop the emotional and physical pains that come with my alcohol addiction.